Learning to Walk Backwards. 

This title may seem the opposite of what I do, a contradictory statement, but really, it's an idiom. Each word inside itself has a meaning more than its' literal. 3 things I went back to after October 2023. Although those on my medical team know I did some literal walking backward.

After we'd run, I sat in the elite room at the world championships in 2023. Looking at Cam, I said, "We", that's done now, isn't it". I had run well. It had been a long 10 days away from my family, and I'd visited a few European countries. I was fit and excited. A PB earlier in the year had got me on the team. But I had some nagging injuries and niggles that although my team had kept at bay during what was an impressive training block. I was showing signs of wear and tear. It had taken 14 years of high-level training to get my first New Zealand Singlet and, with that, a lot of miles on the clock. The prospect of running had kept me mentally strong, but after the excitement was gone, I was left with little motivation, post-race blues, and the feeling of glass stabbing through my ankle every time I took a step.

My left ankle has always been a bit of a problem. A damaged growth plate, constant tendon issues, numerous rolled ankles, limited big toe flexibility, and a hip joint on that side that doesn't work the same.

While diligent in rehab and meticulous in the gym, I left Riga limping.

The low point was the night of 5's that year. I had hoped I could back up PB Half Marathon shape with a crack at a 5k. Unable to push off out of the corners on my left foot due to the stabbing feeling. I tried to run the next day. Only to limp home 15 minutes later.

Feeling frustrated and running in pain every day, I sat with the idea that maybe I was done. The achieving of a lifetime dream, constant pain and the news of our family growing had dimmed my competitive spirit. I'm not sure how I thought I should have felt post-World Champs, but the air had well and truly been knocked out of me.

I hurt my calf in mid-January 2024; a grade 2 tear took me out of the rest of the track season, which may have been a blessing. It was time to start again. I'll say this out loud so those who feel the same know they aren't alone. The hardest part of taking a break or being out is the anxiety that goes with thinking about getting back into it. I'm scared I won't want to do it anymore if I stop. Or even worse, I won't be able to do it anymore. Or even, EVEN worse, I may find I actually like not doing it. Now, I know unequivocally and rationally that choices and decisions based on fear will almost always end up hurting us. Or at the least limiting our potential. But for reasons I didn't know yet, this is where I found my mind.

Learning

Ask more questions –

I had some things to learn. The intensity of life had meant my appetite for curiosity had dwindled. I was no longer asking questions but giving out answers. I needed to stand in front of the mirror and look at the problem face to face—the problem (as it often is) was myself. I'd broken a promise I'd made to myself a year earlier. "If I give It everything it needs, it will give me everything it can". I'd stopped listening to my body.

A customer interaction prompted me to purchase a human anatomy book online, which arrived a few days later. Armed with post-it notes and a highlighter, I set aside any preconceived ideas or prior knowledge of the ankle joint I thought I had and started from the ground up—bones, ligaments, tendons, muscles, nerves, cartilage. My curiosity had returned. Overall, I consumed seven anatomy books and three published papers from PhD studies—over 3000 pages on the movement of the human body. From this and help from a few people, I put together protocols and have been pain-free for 6 months. We changed my weekly structure so I could have better rest and more family time. While still hitting the workouts and mileage.

Walk

Learning to Walk Before We Run -

Generally, it's walking first and running second. But part of me wondered as I continued on my quest for pain-free running that maybe we spend so long-running that we have forgotten how to walk. Now, that could be a cute metaphor for slow the hell down. Or it could be another way of saying we are stuck in our own ways. Both of these things were true for me. But the literal meaning was I needed to reteach my ankle to function correctly. It had spent so long stuck in a dysfunctional movement pattern that it didn't know how to move correctly.

Backwards

We don't always have to plough forwards –

While it might be good advice in a racing situation to never look backwards, I felt like my constant need for forward momentum at the expense of recognizing what I had already done wasn't serving me well. Walking backwards might feel like you can't see where you are heading, but it might give you a new perspective and a little more trust in your own two feet. I'm not suggesting you blindly walk around, not knowing where you are going, but more try something new. A break in a movement pattern can set it right.

So, what did I find out in all of this? You've got to love what you do. Don't do it just because. Look in the mirror if it's not going how you want it to. Don't blame what you can see out the window. Try not to make decisions based on fear. Be curious, ask questions and listen well.

But at the heart of it. Have fun..

OB